OMG! My beloved boyfriend called me fat...well kinda!

I also made a Time Out New York reader’s wish come true. Yay! I love writing feel-good stories.

Hope you’re enjoying the last days of summer! It’s been the busiest summer of my life!!!

Do you agree with me?

I’ve been bummed out lately for a few things — mainly the fact that I lost my laptop in a cab in Puerto Rico. I had my LIFE on it — all my music, my photos, my stories (including a book I was working on) and I didn’t back any of my work up! UGH. It’s killing me.

Things that make me super happy — my hilarious boyfriend, Celeste’s wedding, Big Gay Al and this funny IM with an ex-boyfriend:

me: I don’t think I’m getting married.
Doesn’t seem like it’s in the cards for me.

exboyfriened:cool, come on over and lets make sex

Exboyfriend: you have to bring the ‘doms though I’m out

me: OMG. You are too much.

Some say it’s better than these text messages. Man, that was long time ago!

The boyfriend: You looked so beautiful today. You look really good in light colors or white. You look so hot and exotic.

Me: I had a BLACK dress on today! Haha.

The Friendship Test that is…

How was your Fourth? I ended up chilling in my hometown and hanging out with my high school friends. I also met my boyfriend’s parents which rocked. They’re awesome ass peeps.

At my boyfriend’s sister’s apartment I noticed him turning sideways in front of a mirror to check out his body. Girls always do this before they go out. It’s the “Do I look fat?” pose.

ME: “Oh my God! You’re checking yourself out in the mirror!”
HIM: “Oh shit. You caught me.”

Haha.

I’m going to the the Murakami Exhibit tomorrow. I’m soooo stoked!

OK, I lied….I still want to blog here. Haha!!

***

Three years ago, I announced to my friends that I wanted to become a workaholic writer. I wanted to be write a fuckload of cool stories, and see my byline (your name when you publish a story) everywhere. I wanted to say I was a “writer” and really feel like I was one…kinda like a successful actor.

Fast forward to 3 years later and all the stuff that I wished above is kinda happening. I feel so fucking lucky. I have a sex and dating blog for Latina, a crazy column for Time Out New York and full-time web editor gig for an innovative publishing/media empire.

I never thought any of this would happen. A year ago, I was in a bad place. My coward boyfriend at the time unexpectedly dumped me, I quit my magazine gig because it was terribly unfulfilling ( and decided to become a freealance writer which I failed miserably at), lost my appetite (so rare!) and became a groggy insomniac.

With the support of my family and friends, I picked myself back up. Lord know they’ve had to endure hours of me crying on the phone. I was wailing for tenderness and they gave it to me.

Last year was one of the worst summer of my life (it’s tied with the summer I was anorexic back in ‘95).

This summer is turning out to be one of the best summers — I love my jobs (all 32545433 of them), I am dating the COOLEST MOTHERFUCKER on the planet. This guy is so FUN, hilarious, strong-minded and he puts me in my place (in a good way, of course). And he has the best eyes (gray!) and a really sexy, NYC accent and I can go on and on.

Anyway, life is shitty. Life is fucking awesome. It’s so weird how it’s a rollercoater but I’m so lucky to have the people that I have in my life…because they always answer when I ask, “Where is the tenderness?” And I thank them for that.

For some crazy, sexy, cool reason I’m getting paid to blog about penises and stuff. Yeah, I know it’s like a dream come true for me.

I grew up reading Latina magazine ’cause it’s a cool rag about my tribe’s culture, fashion, recipes and stuff. And now, I’m the magazine’s official sex and dating blogger. Laugh. Roll your eyes at me. Be happy for my ass. All I know is that I’m going to write as honestly as I can and hope to connect with readers. And no, I’m not the next Carrie Bradshaw or Julia Allison. I’m like a befuddled Ugly Betty that gets naked with old dudes.

Anyway, I’m not gonna lie. I’m really excited and super stoked about the new gig. HOLLA!

I love you!!! And if you hate me, fuck it. I still <3 your ass!!

Lex

This is my new dance. I’m gonna roll and bounce around like Rick Astley at my big party on May 31!

I made out with a hot British guy last night. It was our first date and in true AlexisT fashion, I belted Pat Benatar’s “Love is a Battlefield” at a karaoke bar as Brit boy watched in stunned amazement (or disgust?)

I opened my first savings account today…at the age of 27.

My old roommate gave me very upsetting news that made me cry on Friday.

I leave you with the muppets since I resemble a Puerto Rican muppet of sorts.

When they come for me I’ll be sitting at my desk with a gun in my hand wearing a bullet-proof vest

It’s my co-worker’s away message and it makes me literally, laugh my chubby face off.

I’m so busy making out and writing but I have a good story about some dude I kissed last week. Man, it’s such a “This Would Only Happen to Alexis” story. Why does crazy shit still happen to me at 27?!?!

I’m headed to Florida this weekend for my grandma’s 90th birthday so I’ll have some time to write all about it. I’m going to be hanging out with 3253463463454365034960390349 Puerto Rican aunts, uncles, cousins, and stuff so I KNOW I’ll want to escape from them to blog. Haha.

Stay tuned MoFo’s — until then, rock yo b-proof vest.

Alexis T.

I wrote a piece for Time Out New York, in which I had to insult New Yorkers! It was scary and people were offended but I then I told them it was for a story so they didn’t want to punch me in my face anymore.

Also, you really need to do what this link tells you to do – I swear you’ll love it, yo!